Wednesday, December 3, 2008
January 1, 2007 I joined Weight Watchers. I had hit 200 pounds and was truly disgusted with myself. As my WW leader described it, it was the last straw. I joined, I rigorously stuck to it, and nine months later I was 50 pounds lighter. I was elated. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, that was until I reached my goal. Then the hardest thing I had to do was keep that weight off. I was unsuccessful at that part.
It is now December 3, 2008. I have not gained all 50 pounds back, but I sure as hell feel that way. I have gained 15 pounds back, but I look at my picture at 200 pounds, and I look at my picture at 165 and I don't see a 35 pound difference.
After Thanksgiving, I expected my weight to go up, and I predicted correctly. I successfully gained about 5 pounds over the Thanksgiving holiday. GROSS! And I hit the 170 mark on the scale. Something I have dreaded seeing.
So on December 1st (it's always better when I start at the beginning of the month) I started my "weight loss journey" once again. And I do hope I'm successful. But it is so hard. It's not even the food part that's the worst, it the going to the gym part. When I was on my first journey, I honestly grew to love the gym. I would get on the treadmill and jog out all my aggression to Tool's Jambi and the Pot, Christina Aguilera's Aint No Other Man and Buttons by Pussy Cat Dolls. I loved it; however, I'm sure Maynard would slap me if he knew I was mixing his music with the likes of Christina and the Pussy Cat Dolls. But it was cathartic and made me value my body.
Well I jogged for the first time in months yesterday and instead of those positive feelings, I was just as insecure about myself, there, on the treadmill, as I was 35 pounds ago. Today was the same thing. I got there, was proud of myself for going and for jogging at just under the level I was at when I stopped going to the gym the first time. But self-consciousness
took over and plagued the rest of my work out. I didn't even
want to do all the things I had planned on. I just got off the
treadmill and walked out.
I want to get back down to 150 again. I want to like going to the gym again. I want to like my body again. I just really hope that I can be as successful in losing the weight again. And I hope that I can, this time around, succeed in keeping it off.
*1st photo: 200 pounds
*2nd photo: 150 pounds
*3rd photo: 165 pounds
(just incase you couldn't tell)