Wednesday, December 3, 2008


January 1, 2007 I joined Weight Watchers. I had hit 200 pounds and was truly disgusted with myself. As my WW leader described it, it was the last straw. I joined, I rigorously stuck to it, and nine months later I was 50 pounds lighter. I was elated. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, that was until I reached my goal. Then the hardest thing I had to do was keep that weight off. I was unsuccessful at that part.

It is now December 3, 2008. I have not gained all 50 pounds back, but I sure as hell feel that way. I have gained 15 pounds back, but I look at my picture at 200 pounds, and I look at my picture at 165 and I don't see a 35 pound difference.

After Thanksgiving, I expected my weight to go up, and I predicted correctly. I successfully gained about 5 pounds over the Thanksgiving holiday. GROSS! And I hit the 170 mark on the scale. Something I have dreaded seeing.

So on December 1st (it's always better when I start at the beginning of the month) I started my "weight loss journey" once again. And I do hope I'm successful. But it is so hard. It's not even the food part that's the worst, it the going to the gym part. When I was on my first journey, I honestly grew to love the gym. I would get on the treadmill and jog out all my aggression to Tool's Jambi and the Pot, Christina Aguilera's Aint No Other Man and Buttons by Pussy Cat Dolls. I loved it; however, I'm sure Maynard would slap me if he knew I was mixing his music with the likes of Christina and the Pussy Cat Dolls. But it was cathartic and made me value my body.

Well I jogged for the first time in months yesterday and instead of those positive feelings, I was just as insecure about myself, there, on the treadmill, as I was 35 pounds ago. Today was the same thing. I got there, was proud of myself for going and for jogging at just under the level I was at when I stopped going to the gym the first time. But self-consciousness
took over and plagued the rest of my work out. I didn't even
want to do all the things I had planned on. I just got off the
treadmill and walked out.

I want to get back down to 150 again. I want to like going to the gym again. I want to like my body again. I just really hope that I can be as successful in losing the weight again. And I hope that I can, this time around, succeed in keeping it off.

*1st photo: 200 pounds
*2nd photo: 150 pounds
*3rd photo: 165 pounds
(just incase you couldn't tell)


Jason said...

What a connecting entry!(exclamation point) :0
I know what your going through. Remember I lost so much weight(192) but now I've gained it all back(240). It's so hard because you want to succeed but sometimes just the time it takes feels far too draining. Going to the gym after work is hard and eating healthy is not that cheap either! But what I've been doing everyday recently is telling my self " I owe it to myself!!!! " Now I have not gone to the gym yet or started eating better but I have noticed that it helps me feel better about myself and makes me feel like anything is possible. I've been using it to try and get my apartment in order. It's not done yet but it is coming along. So basically all Im trying to say is you look damn good and I wish and support you in your quest to look the way you wanna look. Nike's motto is just do it; well in a few months yours will be DONE!!!

AKSquared said...

Katie, you can SO do it. And if working out at the gym makes you self-conscious, try Curves instead. I know a lot of older ladies go there, but it's a relaxed, friendly atmosphere, and everyone there is so supportive. But either way, I know you can.